16 lines
2 KiB
Markdown
16 lines
2 KiB
Markdown
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title = "blocked"
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summary = "it's the finality of such a situation that bothers me the most; the knowledge that no amount of apology will matter, nor will any attempt at reconciliation even be seen"
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date = "2018-02-27T21:23:00-00:00"
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source = "https://mastodon.social/@trwnh/99599426061591957"
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i wish i wasn't autistic because i'm really bad at reading social situations and here i am thinking i'm making light banter when instead i'm one post away from being blocked, before i can even apologize for misreading intent. end result is i just feel extremely shitty and like i'm terrible at being a human. i don't know how to vent my frustrations without it seeming personal, apparently
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also it's the finality of such a situation that bothers me the most; the knowledge that no amount of apology will matter, nor will any attempt at reconciliation even be seen. i've never been able to properly handle irreversibility. even though a block is technically reversible, it isn't practically. one mistake and it's over. and i *will* make those mistakes, because not only am i not perfect, but i'm hopelessly broken beyond repair, no matter how hard i try to learn how to socialize.
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and yet... i've not really been blocked much in my life (bar some democrats on birdsite who refuse to listen to left-poc) so i'm not totally insufferable or an absolute troll or a toxic personality. but of the more "misunderstood" blocks, one particular one comes to mind, because it was the only case where that person actually unblocked me years later. but that was much worse and what i said then was extremely insensitive. i wish i knew why they unblocked me. i'm too afraid to ask.
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sometimes i wonder why i care what total strangers think of me, and i don't know if it's better or worse to not care. it's not "shame" or "approval-seeking"; it's more of an intense urge to not be hated or begrudged.
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i guess that's a part of life, but it's not a part i'm comfortable with and i don't know if i ever will be.
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